We All Have Something To Work On

Those were the words uttered to me by my wife this morning as she was walking out the door. Her words of encouragement to me in a difficult morning.

You see, last night I got ‘fired’ from a volunteer organization. It appears that many of the parents didn’t like my ‘style’. They felt I was unapproachable, difficult, opinionated and not receptive.

All of that is true, I recognize it and don’t deny it one iota.

I am that way in business as well. With clients, staff members and even with Bob. I have been known to tell them the truth. Some like it, other don’t.

Take my business partnership with Bob. I’ve been known to spout off. I am sure I’ve pissed him off many times, with my crap. But to Bob’s credit he lets me be me. He let’s me spout off, get pissed off and be me. He doesn’t try to fix me. He gently guides me or coaches me in particular spots.

Bob exhibits a community of grace with me. As a friend, a business partner and a buddy. (So does my wife Sarah as well… for the record.)

What I experienced last night was a community of legalism. A group of parents, upset with me, went behind my back and talked to the leader to have me removed. An ‘us or him’ ultimatum. It was an easy decision for me. I stepped down. Not because they were right, because, I don’t want that kind of grief in my life.  I have reached a point at the age of 43, that I no longer want to be around or associated with groups of people who won’t love me in the process I’m in.

That sounds a bit humanistic. “Love me as I am.” But the reality of this grace, communities of grace, allows people to flush out the process they are experiencing.  People like my wife, Bob, my buddy Gunnar, Victor and others, allow me to be in that process.

They see me as I am and not as they want me to be. And they love me anyway.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a bit of a hot head. Opinionated, who tells people what I think and I don’t care if they like it or not. I know it’s not socially acceptable and that it needs to change. But instead of looking at all my short comings, or how far short I am of being the ‘Christian’ I’m supposed to be. Jesus puts his arm around me and shows me how far I’ve come with him at my side. He doesn’t point out everything I still have to do. He accepts me as he made me. Loves me in the process and allows me to come to him when I’m good and ready to work on the stuff.

Because everyone has something to work on.

Popularity: 46%

Why My First Business Failed

For the first 40 years of my life, the bulk of my relationships were only an inch deep. Sure I had lots of ‘friends’ but they were a mile long and only an inch deep.

My friendship, all of them, were based on one specific motive in my life and that was to get money. I figured, if I had a bunch of money, then everything else would take care of it’s self.

My friendships, my marriage and my business dealings were all based on this belief.

If you had a business that could benefit me financially, then you became a good friend. I was willing to look past a lot of things to get the financial security I so desired.

My motive was money/financial security. My value in relationships was based on money and my actions reflected that motive.

It took me on planes across America on weekends to speak at events. I created products and business offerings all based on how much money I’d potentially make. Giving it up as soon as the profits stopped.

Of course, I was generous with my money. Afterall, that’s what a good Christian does. I gave freely at my church (well over 10%). There were missionaries I supported, intercessors, you name it. My total view of ‘money solves all things’.

Well guess what happened. When the money went away so did my ‘friendships’. In business, in life and oh in case you were wondering, in the church.

Especially in the church.

As soon as I no longer had money to give freely, those relationships disappeared. No longer invited to play golf with the key members of the church staff. No more lunches. I remember when I needed some legal help financially. I called a so called ‘friend’ in the church and guess what he said.

“Geez, I feel for you that you are going through that, I’ll pray for you, but I don’t know anyone that can help you.”

I didn’t hear from that guy for another 18 months.  A staff member and pastor no less.

My marriage was based on money. I figured if I just gave Sarah money each month. Enough to support the family and for her to get what she wanted, everything was going to be okay. Afterall, I was  a Christian Husband. Providing for my family, my wife and making sure she was taken care of in the right manner.

Basically, I was an empty suit.

Now, life is much different. My goal is to have just a few relationships, but to go 20 miles deep. And here’s the funny thing. None of those relationships are found in traditional church, bible study or a life group.

I mean, if I have to go to a life group and ask you how things are going, then you aren’t much of a friend. A true friend would check in or text, or needle you throughout the week. (It’s what guys do ladies, it’s how we show ‘love’.)

Now my motive is deep relationships. With my wife, my kids, my friends. I value getting to know people in a deeper way. Not to fix em or study scripture together, but to just hang out. Walk through life together and if they want to share, great, if we talk football great.

It changes the way I look at my week. Now I take time to have longer lunches with friends. My business decisions are based on relationships, not money. I give of myself more freely with my time.

I’ll leave  you with this example. A few weeks ago, I got an email from another successful online marketer. I’ve known of him for some time. We have a mutual friend.

He emailed me as he wanted to talk to me about a particular business model that I have a ton of experience in running and marketing.

He was willing to pay for my time.  I thought about charging him $800 for two hours of my time.

Instead, I gave of my time freely. We got on the phone and just talked. No agenda, no nothing. Just two business owners talking about stuff.

At the end, a relationship was formed. I don’t know how deep it will go. But you never know. That is worth more than $400 bucks an hour.

Popularity: 55%

Watching A Friend Go Through Hell

” If you are going through hell, walk faster.” – Winston Churchill

I don’t remember the day exactly, but I remember the time, place and situation. Bob and I were attending an event in New Jersey put on by our good friend Dan Straton. Instead of attending a dinner party that night with some of the attendees, Bob and I decided to go to dinner at a local Italian joint. You know the kind, great food, small place, reasonable prices.

We had just experienced another interesting day.  That day was payroll day. We knew we had to meet payroll of $20,000 and that we were woefully short. All our avenues had dried up. We’d used all our back up plans long ago on other payrolls. We expected to get a call that day from the payroll company saying payroll didn’t come through. Instead, no calls, no emails and payroll funded.

How it was funded we’ll never know. We just know it was funded.

As Bob and I sat down for dinner, ordered a bottle of wine, I could tell the weight on Bob’s shoulders was immense. Bob carries a tremendous amount of responsibility. He likes to make sure everyone is taken care of before him. It’s an admirable trait, but one that will kill an entrepreneur.

We poured some wine and toasted/thanked God for making payroll. We kind of chuckled and settled down to a relaxing dinner. It was at that point, the Lord started showing me some stuff. Not in visions, but in the way He talks to me. I can’t explain it, other than I’ve come to know His voice.

“Tell Bob it’s gonna be a tough summer.” At first I didn’t want to share this with my friend. I had hope upon hope, that Bob would not have to go through this journey of death to old beliefs.  I was hopeful that my experiences and my partnership with Bob would allow Bob to live through me and my experiences.  I foolishly thought, “Well Bob was one of only a handful of people to stay with me through my ordeals, so maybe he won’t have to go through his own.”

Wrong.

I knew that night in the deepest part of my soul, Bob was getting to go through his own hell on earth.

I looked up from the bread and wine, looked at Bob in the eye and said, “It’s going to be a tough summer, but Papa wants you to know He has it all under control.”

Bob’s response was “Okay, so it’s only going to last through the summer? That’s good. I can handle that.”

Except I don’t think God said which summer it would end. Little did I know that before October hit, my friend would be in the hospital.

In hindsight, I did Bob a disservice. I knew at that time what God was showing and telling me. That Bob was going to go through his own wilderness. That God was going to deal with Bob in his own loving style. I knew at that time, the business would change dramatically, Bob would no longer be the provider and that everything Bob wanted and built would be turned upside down.

Little did I know.

As a friend, I want to protect my friends from going through the stuff I had to experience. I don’t want it for my friends, my family, my wife or my children. I wish my experiences would be enough and that I could be their surrogate.

But, God doesn’t work that way. To do that would deprive the ones I love so much from being in a deep intimate relationship with Daddy. Each person has to go through this kind of stuff in their lives. There is no way around it. Sure you can fight it, or fix it yourself, but that only prolongs the time in hell. The way to walk faster is to let God do with you as He must.  I fought and spent years in my own hell on earth.  Long painful years, that still hurt today.

Bob on the other hand. Well, all I did was love him through it. Sure I would talk with him, tell him what I was seeing and hearing from Papa, but I knew he wouldn’t hear it completely. He had to go through it alone. My role, not to fix it, him or give him a bunch of scripture, but to walk with him through the hell.

I’ve had to do this with my wife, Bob and now I’m watching some very close friends go through some incredibly painful things. Divorce, job loss and a friend of mine who makes so much money that he plays golf 3 times a week, yet is so completely unfulfilled that he is going numb. (Not all wilderness experiences are about being broke.) All going through their own private journey through hell.

The cool thing is to love them through the process. To gently exhibit the fathers love even in the crappy times. To bring laughter to the situation and most of all love. (Did I mention love yet?)

In a Home Depot, fix it yourself world, where we have all the answers there is but a few things we can do for our friends when life hits em right between the eyes.

Cast of judgment. Stop sharing scriptures or Joel Olsteen books. But just be a friend who loves unconditionally. Buy them a cup of coffee, some breakfast or a laugh. Oh and love them, unconditionally. Which means, don’t fix em! Just love.

It is the most wonderful gift a friend can give a friend.

Popularity: 41%

« Previous Page — Next Page »