A Question About Identity

The question after lunch went like this, “Why do you think they’re so invested in this thing?”

I initially responded, “I have no idea”.

Then…all of a sudden…I said, “Wait, I know EXACTLY why. Because their identity is so wrapped up in this that if it ever failed or if they left, they would lose part of themselves.”

It was so powerful that I couldn’t even believe I said it – I just didn’t understand this before that moment. It’s all about IDENTITY.

I’ve heard Jim Robbins and John Lynch write/speak about this. I’ve read other authors that touched on this, but not directly.

The reason we defend something so fiercely, the reason we hold on to something to strongly, and the reason we spiral into a depression when it’s no longer there – is that we attach our personal identity to a THING or a PERSON.

Here’s the danger – THINGS by nature cannot last forever. PEOPLE are certainly mortal, and they have the propensity to let us down because they are not perfect. So when we attach our identity to a PERSON or a THING, we are on a collision course that ends up in a fireball.

Here’s how I know this…because I do this.

- I am a business owner and an entrepreneur. When my business is good, I am happy. When my business is not good, I’m not. To go deeper, when my business tanked in 2009, it sent me to the hospital eventually with panic attacks. I haven’t hit a home run, let alone an extra base hit in like 3 years. I have this voice in my head, that won’t go away. It tells me I’m a failure in business. I had my shot. I blew it. Success is for someone else. This paralyzes me sometimes. What’s the truth?

- I was a member of a church for 40 years, and a leader there for 20. When I resigned from leadership, I was lost. When I left the church, it was traumatic. Even though Arlene and I clearly heard God call us to do this, the little doubts from others that we are quitting or just bitter hurt me and instead of thanking God for doing something great in our life, I obsess over the handful of doubters – not the people that cheer us on. Can’t I just trust God in this? I’m missing the blessing because I’m focusing on the negative?

Here’s some more…

- I was a coach for 24 years. When I stopped coaching for a season, I felt lost.

- I am a pleaser. If I sense, or know that a person doesn’t like me for some reason, it’s powerful enough to derail my other friendships because I will obsess about the one person that doesn’t like me.

- I am a provider. When I could no longer provided income for my family, when I had to lay off staff, it caused me to go into a mild depression. Hell, it still bothers me that I had to lay off people that did good work and I loved deeply. Sometimes it totally takes a productive day away from me.

- I need to know I’m right. So I enjoy when people agree with me and validate my thoughts and beliefs. There’s safety in numbers, right? If 10 people agree with me, but 1 disagrees, I’m toast. I will obsess over the 1 person.

- Silly, but I am a White Sox fan, and believe it or not, some days my mood is based on the fact the Sox won or lost. Is this normal behavior?

- I am a father. When I have a bad day as a father, and I let my kids down, it bothers me. I then begin to believe I am not a good father at all.

- I am a husband. There are days when I really screw up as a partner and I let Arlene down. It makes me think I am a bad husband.

There’s more, but I think you get the point. Attaching my identity to someone, or something has no positive value to me.
Many of the things I am believing are lies – maybe it’s my enemy, but mostly it’s my own mind.

Yes….this is a battle over my mind. Not my heart. That battle is over. My heart is good. It’s my mind that needs to be renewed. Until I start to live out of who God says I am, I can never really live well. Until I stop obsessing over what other people think about me, I can never really love all people well. Until I begin to separate my identity from my outcomes, I will be paralyzed.

It’s all about identity. Once I understand this in myself, and in others, I can start living a more peaceful life.

When people defend their truth, when they defend their institution, when they question me – it’s not personal. They’re defending their identity. Can I be strong enough to live out of who God says I am? Can I go one step further and see people as God sees them – looking past their behaviors and words and into what’s really happening?

What have you discovered about your identity? Have you experienced trauma yourself in regards to ‘losing your identity’ when you no longer had that thing or person in your life?

I’d love for you to share your thoughts and pass on to friends too.

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Dealing With The Anxieties And Stresses Of Managing Your Own Business

Many business owners have to deal with a lot of stress and anxiety nowadays. It can be tough to have your own business and to be successful in what you do. As a result, here are some suggestions on how you can reduce the stress of having your own business.

The first step is to manage your expenses and pay your bills on time. Develop a budget, do not spend more than what you make, and learn to reduce your expenses when you can.

Learn to manage your responsibilities by assigning certain tasks to others. If you do not have time to do a task, then let your assistant do it. You are only one person and can only do so much on a given day. Do what is most important and delegate the rest.

Talk with your customers and employees on a regular basis. Find out what is on their minds. Ask for any suggestions on how to improve business productivity and morale. Communicating with your workers and clients will help prevent future problems and conflicts.

Most importantly, develop a business plan and follow it. Being organized and goal oriented is very important in managing a business. Following a plan or set of goals will prevent you from a lot of stress and anxiety.

Learn to take it one day at a time. Instead of worrying about how you will get through the rest of the week or coming month, try to focus on today. Each day can provide us with different opportunities to learn new things and that includes learning how to deal with your business problems. Hopefully, when the time comes, you will have learned the skills to deal with your situation.

Be smart in how you deal with your business problems. Do not try to tackle everything all at once. When facing a current or upcoming task that overwhelms you with a lot of anxiety, break the task into a series of smaller steps. Completing these smaller tasks one at a time will make the stress more manageable and increase your chances of success.

Managing a business can be stressful, but the key is knowing how to manage your anxieties. There is a right way and wrong way to manage a business. Continue to learn effective techniques in managing your business and improve your bottom line. This will go a long way in getting rid of your stress and other business problems.

BIOGRAPHY:
Stan Popovich is the author of “A Layman’s Guide to Managing Fear Using Psychology, Christianity and Non Resistant Methods” – an easy to read book that presents a general overview of techniques that are effective in managing persistent fears and anxieties. For additional information go to: http://www.managingfear.com/

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The Year Of Being Reborn Part 2

Continuing my post from yesterday…

…I wasn’t sure what he exactly meant by rest, but somehow I immediately sensed 2 things – I was going to be taking off time from the business, and I was going to be taking time away from being a deacon at my church.

Upon returning home from a one night stay in the hospital, and receiving an all-clear on my heart, I began my rest. I don’t think I ever slept as much in my adult life. I’d wake up in the morning, eat, read, and nap. In the afternoon, I’d take a walk, eat, and nap. At night, I’d watch TV, eat, and go to bed. This went on for 2-3 weeks.  It’s like my body just did nothing but crave rest, and my wife, family, and staff supported me.  Thank you for this gift, everyone.

During this time, I made decisions to start being healthy again.  I began walking several miles a day, began drinking a lot more water, and started eating right (stopped all those carbs, excessive sweets, and multiple glasses of wine). Since then, I’ve lost 25 pounds and my walking has turned to running. I now run about 10-15 miles per week. I feel great, in fact, my health is better now than in any time in the last 10 years.

But, September 28 was not the “bottom”. The business ran while I was gone for 6 weeks, but the bleeding that began in June of 2009, didn’t stop and things finally hit bottom in January of 2010, ironically, on the 28th.  On that day, Matt, I, and our CFO decided we could no longer bleed cash, and I made the call to lay off my entire staff.  I thought September 28 was a bad day, how about shattering the hopes and dreams of a half-dozen people that I cared deeply about?

I sat there in shock.  How the hell did we get to this point?  Was I a failure?  Did I do something wrong?  Was it my staff? Was it our clients?  Was it me? Would we make it? What would everyone think? What’s going to happen next?

Listen, to a proud man like me, being stripped of my identity as a provider, a successful entrepreneur, a leader in our church, a nationally recognized author and speaker, and former profitable business owner was like losing my life.  But like a good Papa, a trip was in line for me to spend 5 days with my earthly dad in Florida.  It was the worst time to go, but also the best time to go.  It turns out those 5 days were critical in my recovery.  I learned more about my dad, my family, and myself than I could have ever done at home. I wrote about my experience back in the spring.

In March, when finances for our family got to a critical stage, Father blew us away.  Talk about answered prayer (but not giving us what we asked for)  Father orchestrated an opportunity for my wife at her work. She was offered a significant promotion and a hefty raise – an amount that almost exactly covered our monthly expenses.  What this meant for us though, was that she’d now have to leave at 5:30am and get home at 5:00pm 5 days a week.  It meant that I would now become Mr. Mom, and be responsible for getting the girls ready for school, making breakfast, packing lunches, getting kids on and off the bus, helping with homework, coordinating play dates, taxiing kids to activities, and being one of the only men in our neighborhood that does this.  Talk about an identity crisis!

But here’s the best part.  I had been praying for a few years for Father to help me be a better dad – to help me get more time with my girls.  Ha!! More answered prayer, but don’t you love the sense of humor Father has?  I have all the time in the world to be with my girls now  For me, I work from 8:30 to 3:00 and that’s it.  I’ve got to be totally disciplined to be productive, and I get to spend more time with my kids than ever.  AND I’M LOVING IT!!

As I describe this, it’s such a high-level summary.  It doesn’t have the peaks and valleys I lived from day to day.  There are months, and months, and months of process on this. Too much to write about, but let’s just say all these things have been used to take my old identity, burn it up, remake it, and birth a new person.

Something else has happened even greater – I discovered my Father. No, not my dad, my Father. Daddy, Papa, Father God. I discovered that I had 2 fathers – and earthly dad, and a heavenly Daddy. I learned I was a son of Most High God, and a King, a Priest, and a Prophet. I got to know who God is as a person, not just a inpersonal force. I wrote about that here

Do you know how amazing it is to discover Father as Daddy? To be loved without condition and given the rights of sonship in his Kingdom? I haven’t even begun to peel this back and I’m already overwhelmed. I have been shedding all this religious garbage I have been collecting for years, and gotten to the core of Father’s heart – to be in me, and to share life together.

Today is September 28, 2010, and I will not be in my office, I will be on assignment in Baltimore, MD. Instead of lying in a hospital bed, this year, I am spending time with Matt and a new client which is one of the most successful information marketing companies in the world. A client we could have only dreamed working with.

Here’s the best part.  ?Neither Matt or I had anything to do with this, but I knew it was coming because of a supernatural moment.

I’ll explain what I mean in my next installment.  You aren’t going to believe this story.  I still can’t believe it, and I’m sitting here in a Baltimore hotel living it!!

…To Be Continued….

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