The Fear Of Shame Is Sucking Your Courage Dry

My good friend Perry Marshall of www.PerryMarshall.com sent out this video regarding shame and fear.

Perry is one my closest friends. He is one of the few guys who stood by me during the dark days in my living hell. He is also one of the brightest business owners/entrepreneurs I know.

A few days ago, he sent out this link to a wonderful video. In this video, Brene Brown discusses the impact that fear and shame have on our lives. Now I don’t know if Brene ‘Knows Jesus.” (Frankly I don’t care.) One thing I do know, she discusses the basics of following Christ in this video.

She said a few things that really impacted me (as I’ve watched this video 3 times already) Here’s just a sampling.

“The only people who don’t experience shame are the ones who don’t have any capacity for human connection.”

“In order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen.”

“Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging.”

I’ll let her tell the rest.

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Josh Hamilton – MVP, Michael Vick – Pictures of Restoration

In July of 2008, Josh Hamilton performed one of the most amazing things I ever saw in sports. His performance in the Home Run Derby that All Star weekend was nothing short of spectacular. He didn’t win that derby, but he stole the show. When I saw him hit those 28 home runs in the 1st round, it was like time stood still, and I was watching a movie. There’s some great fan videos of the event on YouTube if you want to relive it.

I had read a story about Josh in ESPN Magazine just one year before, that absolutely captivated me and led me to start following him one year before this event. Josh’s story is incredible, and while the article is a good summary, reading his book is even better to relive the gut-wrenching story of a life gone terribly wrong, and how his life, relationships, and career was restored.

A little over a week ago, another amazing feat happened that some people are describing as one of the most remarkable performances they have ever seen by a quarterback. The QB was Michael Vick, and he had one of the most dominate nights offensively in the history of the NFL. The Eagles led 35-0 after the first few seconds into the second quarter, they scored 59 points on a pretty good defense (on the road), Vick finished with 20 passes for 333 yards, threw 4 touchdowns, rushed for 80 yards, and ran in 2 touchdowns of his own.

Now Vick, as you recall, has been publicly humiliated and found guilty of running a dog fighting operation. Vick, the last couple years, is someone no one wanted to be around. Someone who was considered an awful human being and another has-been on the garbage heap. Yet here he is, back in the spotlight and suddenly riding a wave of new-found support. Vick will likely win the NFL’s comeback player of the year award, and may also have a shot at the MVP if he has a great December.

We love riches to rags to riches stories, don’t we? We love to worship and celebrate a hero when they are on the top of the world and entertaining us, then we really enjoy knocking them down when they stumble and fall, then we forget about them for a while – long after the jokes, stories, and tabloids get shelved, and then we rediscover them after they put their life back together and suddenly we consider these guys “ok” once again and we begin to celebrate them all over again.

With Hamilton on top and Vick climbing his way back up, isn’t Tiger Woods not far behind? I mean, Woods has hit bottom, don’t you think? Having a line of women form and accusing him of all kinds of things, losing his wife, and becoming the butt of jokes all over the world – isn’t he ready for a time of being forgotten (thank you, Brett Favre) and preparing for his triumphant return?

I guess I’m feeling a little cynical about this. I get a little queasy seeing Josh Hamilton get invited to speak at big mega-churches now. They draw a big crowd, talk about his story, and then brag on God for turning the man’s life around. I know Vick has found the Lord and his relationship with Tony Dungy had a lot to do with that. I’m sure we’re going to see churches rally to get Vick on stage too.

Here’s what is making me a little sick.

If Josh Hamilton, high on crack cocaine, dirty and covered with his own urine and feces had stepped into these mega-churches in 2002, 2003, 2004, or 2005, would they have any room for him? What if he walked into the sanctuary and sat in a seat and was having an episode right there? What if Michael Vick walked into a church 3 years ago, fresh off his public trial and sentence? What if he sat there, hoping to hear a message of hope? Would anyone welcome him? What church would welcome Tiger Woods in without creating a big issue of it right now? What about Brett Favre?

Sadly, I don’t think any of these men would have a fair shot or would be welcomed at all. In the case of Josh Hamilton, the ONLY people that loved him unconditionally and stayed with him through the mess was his grandmother and amazingly, his wife. Everyone else abandoned him. I’m sure Vick had some friends, but I’m touched that Coach Dungy was there for Vick with a spirit of forgiveness and love for the man and walked through the humiliation with him.

Does Tiger have a person like that? Don’t know.

None of us should be surprised that Josh Hamilton or Michael Vick have been restored. That’s THE work Christ does. Many think Christ’s work was done, and he’s now sitting down next to his Dad, watching things unfold down below. While I believe Christ is resting and back with Father, he’s not retired. I believe that Christ is CONSTANTLY restoring ALL THINGS to himself. His #1 priority since the beginning of time is to restore all things. His whole life is about restoring ours. So why are we so surprised when the Josh Hamilton’s and Michael Vick’s of this world go from the top, to the bottom, back to the top?

Better question: Why do we assume Christ cannot restore all the crap and mess we’ve made with our lives?

Why do we dismiss and leave people “to the enemy” as lost causes? Why do we shun people who are desperate, living without hope, slaves to their problems, and appear to be filled to the brim with evil?

Of anything God has shown me lately, it’s that he absolutely loves taking HOPELESS people and giving them hope.  He takes a person who everyone has dismissed as a lost cause and promotes them to a higher place. When I see people running into the darkest places on earth and bringing freedom to them with a message of hope, that’s just amazing.

Don’t you dare sit there in self-pity and believe the lie that your life is a mess and cannot be fixed.

I don’t give a rip how complex and big your problem is. Christ can restore anything. For your sake, he went to hell and grabbed the keys, and then locked the door from the outside!!! Who else has been to hell and back and lived to tell about it?

I also challenge myself, and everyone that is reading this, to stop and consider who we’re loving. Are we just loving Josh Hamilton and Michael Vick circa 2010? Would we even stop and glance at them in their shame a few years ago?

Who are we ignoring right now in our life that Christ is pushing us to stand alongside of without judgement or condemnation?

Whose life is a complete train wreck right now – someone who is constantly making bad choices – is filthy, unholy, and pissed off at God?

Is there a person who you see, pass by, used to be friends with, or just popped into your life that God is telling you to go love that you’ve been ignoring?

Is there someone in pain that is clearly in a mess right now that needs someone to dare walk up their pile of garbage and show them love?

Don’t wait for everything to be clean and tidy before you celebrate a person. Celebrate them for how God sees them, and join him in the process of restoring them.  From listening to Josh Hamilton tell his story, that’s what he wants you to celebrate – not his recovery and rise back to fame – Josh Hamilton wants you to celebrate Christ’s work in him and the hope that what he did for Josh can happen for anyone.

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My First Thanks(full)giving

My Thanksgiving in 2008 was one of the most unique and painful of my life. I had come to the realization that my business was beyond repair. Having not pulled a check out for months on end, revenue had dropped to such a level that keeping the lights on and the rent paid in my office was no longer an option.

I had successfully rented half my office out to nice Indian man who brought along his Hindu idols and gongs into the office. To this day, I still laugh at the irony of my prayer room in my office becoming a shrine to some multi armed Hindu God. But hey, he paid cash and it helped my landlord out.

As I had not informed my landlord that I was not going to make the December rent, nor any rents thereafter, I decided to go early in the morning to pull out as many ‘valuables as possible’. Basically, I didn’t want my stuff to get locked up for not paying rent.

As shame and guilt were a huge part of my life at that point, it only made sense to empty the office then call the landlord for coffee to let him know what was going on.

So, there I was on Thanksgiving morning at 3 AM, folding the seats down in the mini van driving over to my office to start packing up. I figured no one was going to be around on Thanksgiving morning.

I packed up all my files, products, books, computers and nick knacks. Trudged them down the steps to my waiting car and loaded things up. Not wanting to get caught, I emptied my three room office in about 2 hours. Leaving only the heavy stuff, like my desks and file cabinets behind. Hoping that one day I’d be able to get these items. Especially my desk, which my wife Sarah bought for me on our anniversary a few years back. (It is a gorgeous mahogany hand carved desks that is just stunning.)

As I finished up my last load for the car and finished off dumping trash, I got in and started my drive home. There is no one on the streets at 5 AM on Thanksgiving morning. It was dark, cold and lonely. I felt like a huge part of my life was dieing. What had started as an effort to get my staff on the same page and in the same office to get more things done, turned into a $50,000 mistake. Staff gone, credit cards maxed out, revenue depleted and marriage on the rocks, I drove slowly home in shame, guilt and depression.

How could God allow this to happen? Didn’t he hear my cries? Wasn’t he impressed with my prayer room? Or the amount of money I gave to further his kingdom? And what about my kids and wife. It was fine for me to go through this, but why did they have to suffer so much?

As I drove I thought to myself.. “God, you opened the door for me to move into this office. It seemed like it was your plan, the doors opened perfectly for this to happen and now this!? Why would you do this to me? I am your servant.  I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. ”

At that point, as I pulled onto Rea Road, that I turned on the radio.  I had tuned into a show that was discussing what the Pilgrims went through that first year in the new world. Having departed Europe in late fall, not knowing where they were going, tossed about by the late fall storms at sea, they limped into land in late October.

Cold, beaten, a number of their fellow passengers dead or dying, they found land and eventually set up camp in the New World.

You would think it got better from there, but it didn’t. The next year was so hard, they lost more of their fellow settlers to disease and malnutrition. Their crops struggled, they had come to a place of total and complete brokenness.

Here was a group of settlers who prayed, and worshiped God. They felt a call on their life to leave the oppression in England and the Netherlands to start a new life on their terms.  They had contemplated and prayed this to God for years before taking on this journey. You would think that God would make the way easy for them to succeed.

He did not. Their journey to the New World on the sea was horrible and horrifying. Rarely coming out from the hole of the ship. Then to get to the New World and struggle through the first years. Losing half their fellow settlers.  What a nice God.. eh?

When the fall came that next year in 1621, even though the times had been tough, they celebrated the small victory of making it a year. I don’t think there was a huge feast, nor was there any football, fried turkey, apple pie or late afternoon naps. No, according to the accounts it was a simple affair.  Much like my Thanksgiving was going to be that upcoming evening.

As I drove towards my house listening more intently to this program about the Pilgrims, it struck me how similar my life had been these past years. As they ended the radio program and I pulled into my driveway listening intently to the show, they shared one more interesting fact.

It seems one of the wives decided to place three small kernels of corn at each dinner place.  As the meal started and progressed, each person sitting at the table would take their kernel of corn and drop it into a bowl. They shared three things they were thankful for that year.

Can you imagine? Let’s say in the past year you lost your wife to the flu, your only son to another sickness. You have lost 40 pounds, went days without eating, struggled to provide food and you are going to share what you are thankful for that year? I would imagine most of us would flip God the bird or worse. No matter how strong our faith.

That night as my family sat down for dinner, with my in-laws who had brought a turkey so we all could enjoy a nice dinner, I decided to do the same thing. At each plate sat three kernels of corn. I explained the pilgrims of past and asked each person to take time throughout the dinner to share how they were thankful in the past year.

To this day, I can’t remember what was said. I think I was self confident that my wife, or in laws would think I was nuts. But looking back, I can tell you what I was thankful for. I was thankful my marriage, albeit rocky, was still together. Sarah and I had separated that summer. She took the kids to Michigan, I was left in the 3600 square foot house alone. That summer was long, lonely and hard. But it gave Sarah and I time to reset the clock and start again.

I was thankful for the small miracles God had done. Mailbox miracle checks to make the mortgage, the extra savings my wife had set aside, which allowed us to keep things current.

Finally, I was thankful for the man I was becoming. I was not thankful for what God was taking me through. Frankly, I was pissed off at him. The friendships lost, the shame, guilt and despair was more than I could bare. But my prayer for years had been “Lord show me how to become the husband and father my family needs.”

Little did I know he was answering my prayers. In a hard painful way… but my prayers were being answered.

And for that I’ll be eternally thankful.

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