A Question About Identity

The question after lunch went like this, “Why do you think they’re so invested in this thing?”

I initially responded, “I have no idea”.

Then…all of a sudden…I said, “Wait, I know EXACTLY why. Because their identity is so wrapped up in this that if it ever failed or if they left, they would lose part of themselves.”

It was so powerful that I couldn’t even believe I said it – I just didn’t understand this before that moment. It’s all about IDENTITY.

I’ve heard Jim Robbins and John Lynch write/speak about this. I’ve read other authors that touched on this, but not directly.

The reason we defend something so fiercely, the reason we hold on to something to strongly, and the reason we spiral into a depression when it’s no longer there – is that we attach our personal identity to a THING or a PERSON.

Here’s the danger – THINGS by nature cannot last forever. PEOPLE are certainly mortal, and they have the propensity to let us down because they are not perfect. So when we attach our identity to a PERSON or a THING, we are on a collision course that ends up in a fireball.

Here’s how I know this…because I do this.

- I am a business owner and an entrepreneur. When my business is good, I am happy. When my business is not good, I’m not. To go deeper, when my business tanked in 2009, it sent me to the hospital eventually with panic attacks. I haven’t hit a home run, let alone an extra base hit in like 3 years. I have this voice in my head, that won’t go away. It tells me I’m a failure in business. I had my shot. I blew it. Success is for someone else. This paralyzes me sometimes. What’s the truth?

- I was a member of a church for 40 years, and a leader there for 20. When I resigned from leadership, I was lost. When I left the church, it was traumatic. Even though Arlene and I clearly heard God call us to do this, the little doubts from others that we are quitting or just bitter hurt me and instead of thanking God for doing something great in our life, I obsess over the handful of doubters – not the people that cheer us on. Can’t I just trust God in this? I’m missing the blessing because I’m focusing on the negative?

Here’s some more…

- I was a coach for 24 years. When I stopped coaching for a season, I felt lost.

- I am a pleaser. If I sense, or know that a person doesn’t like me for some reason, it’s powerful enough to derail my other friendships because I will obsess about the one person that doesn’t like me.

- I am a provider. When I could no longer provided income for my family, when I had to lay off staff, it caused me to go into a mild depression. Hell, it still bothers me that I had to lay off people that did good work and I loved deeply. Sometimes it totally takes a productive day away from me.

- I need to know I’m right. So I enjoy when people agree with me and validate my thoughts and beliefs. There’s safety in numbers, right? If 10 people agree with me, but 1 disagrees, I’m toast. I will obsess over the 1 person.

- Silly, but I am a White Sox fan, and believe it or not, some days my mood is based on the fact the Sox won or lost. Is this normal behavior?

- I am a father. When I have a bad day as a father, and I let my kids down, it bothers me. I then begin to believe I am not a good father at all.

- I am a husband. There are days when I really screw up as a partner and I let Arlene down. It makes me think I am a bad husband.

There’s more, but I think you get the point. Attaching my identity to someone, or something has no positive value to me.
Many of the things I am believing are lies – maybe it’s my enemy, but mostly it’s my own mind.

Yes….this is a battle over my mind. Not my heart. That battle is over. My heart is good. It’s my mind that needs to be renewed. Until I start to live out of who God says I am, I can never really live well. Until I stop obsessing over what other people think about me, I can never really love all people well. Until I begin to separate my identity from my outcomes, I will be paralyzed.

It’s all about identity. Once I understand this in myself, and in others, I can start living a more peaceful life.

When people defend their truth, when they defend their institution, when they question me – it’s not personal. They’re defending their identity. Can I be strong enough to live out of who God says I am? Can I go one step further and see people as God sees them – looking past their behaviors and words and into what’s really happening?

What have you discovered about your identity? Have you experienced trauma yourself in regards to ‘losing your identity’ when you no longer had that thing or person in your life?

I’d love for you to share your thoughts and pass on to friends too.

Popularity: 31%

The Merry Go Round vs. The Roller Coaster

Which one do you prefer, the Merry-Go-Round or the Roller-Coaster? Do you like things that are simple, predictable and safe? Or do you like to get the thrill of your lifetime taking dips, turns and screaming at the top of your lungs for it to stop?

If you go to the amusement park, you’ll see there is a line for the Roller Coaster but not one for the Merry-Go-Round. If there is a line, it’s filled with infants and grandparents. No one ever runs to get back in line for the Merry-Go-Round, but they do for the Roller Coaster.

At the beginning of the year for the Parks, the owners make a big deal about the new Roller Coaster. How scary it is, how fast, how your heart will bust out of your chest cause you’ll pull so many G’s.

You never hear a park manager talking about the new Merry-Go-Round and pretty new horses, the smoothness of the ride or the state of the art circle.

Basically people like to live life on the edge. People don’t want to be bored. That’s why the Roller Coasters are the big deal and the Merry-Go-Round is not.

Why is it then, that people want the Merry-Go-Round in their everyday life? They want a good safe predictable church, quite Bible Study groups, kids who are well behaved, safe secure 401k’s, universal HealthCare, jobs that never change, perfect marriages and retirements spent waiting to die in Florida at phase 23 of Boca, Del Boca Vista condo development.

I’ll tell you why. Because advertising, marketing and the church (Yes, the church) tell us it should be that way. We should have safe, secure, predictable lives. Think about it you are the perfect Christian if….

• Your kids attend Bible Study, go on mission trips, don’t swear or watch MTV.
• You don’t have sex before marriage, never fight and the husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church.
• You attend Crown financial and live well below your budget. Never having any financial issues, because you tithe, manage your money and live well below your means.
• Your business or work is smooth stable and has an impecible reputation.

I don’t know about you, but none of that matches my life. Basically, I violate all of those above and more. My life is full of ups, downs, twists, turns and anxiety. Hey, I’m human… okay?

My life looks like a warp speed Roller Coaster ride, pulling 4 g’s on the hard turns, making my stomach lurch, thinking I’m gonna vomit. Only to have the ride end, catch my breath and run to get back in line to do it again.

Why? Why do we do this to ourselves?

I’ll tell you why. God made us to experience adventure. He never intended us to live simple, boring, predictable lives. At least not those of us who Renegade Christian Entrepreneurs.

Life as a believer is to be a wild haired ride, with the wind whipping in your hair and bugs splattered on your teeth from grinning too much.

It’s the thrill of the twists and turns that makes life so darn enjoyable.

Most entrepreneurs I know get bored easily. They like to live on the edge, pushing the envelope of life. Many of my entrepreneur friends would have made great apostles. They would have loved the thrill of living on the edge, not knowing where they were going to sleep that night, eat that morning or if they’d be in prison by sundown.

Yeah, the Merry-Go-Round is safe, but it’s boring. I’d rather hear the click clack of the roller coaster and the screams of utter joy and terror.

What about you?

Popularity: 29%

We All Have Something To Work On

Those were the words uttered to me by my wife this morning as she was walking out the door. Her words of encouragement to me in a difficult morning.

You see, last night I got ‘fired’ from a volunteer organization. It appears that many of the parents didn’t like my ‘style’. They felt I was unapproachable, difficult, opinionated and not receptive.

All of that is true, I recognize it and don’t deny it one iota.

I am that way in business as well. With clients, staff members and even with Bob. I have been known to tell them the truth. Some like it, other don’t.

Take my business partnership with Bob. I’ve been known to spout off. I am sure I’ve pissed him off many times, with my crap. But to Bob’s credit he lets me be me. He let’s me spout off, get pissed off and be me. He doesn’t try to fix me. He gently guides me or coaches me in particular spots.

Bob exhibits a community of grace with me. As a friend, a business partner and a buddy. (So does my wife Sarah as well… for the record.)

What I experienced last night was a community of legalism. A group of parents, upset with me, went behind my back and talked to the leader to have me removed. An ‘us or him’ ultimatum. It was an easy decision for me. I stepped down. Not because they were right, because, I don’t want that kind of grief in my life.  I have reached a point at the age of 43, that I no longer want to be around or associated with groups of people who won’t love me in the process I’m in.

That sounds a bit humanistic. “Love me as I am.” But the reality of this grace, communities of grace, allows people to flush out the process they are experiencing.  People like my wife, Bob, my buddy Gunnar, Victor and others, allow me to be in that process.

They see me as I am and not as they want me to be. And they love me anyway.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a bit of a hot head. Opinionated, who tells people what I think and I don’t care if they like it or not. I know it’s not socially acceptable and that it needs to change. But instead of looking at all my short comings, or how far short I am of being the ‘Christian’ I’m supposed to be. Jesus puts his arm around me and shows me how far I’ve come with him at my side. He doesn’t point out everything I still have to do. He accepts me as he made me. Loves me in the process and allows me to come to him when I’m good and ready to work on the stuff.

Because everyone has something to work on.

Popularity: 46%

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