What Keeps Me Up At Night
March 16, 2010 by Matthew Gillogly
I am fearful and afraid. Not of Congress, Al Qaeda, Obama, Nancy Pelosi or the fact the Chicago Cubs may actually win the world series some day.
Nope, I’m afraid, I’ll never be anything.
You see as an entrepreneur, you go into business for some simple reasons.
Control and money.
That’s it. We all want to control our destiny. We don’t think the world can handle us unless we take charge and manifest our dreams forward.
The other reason is money. We want to have the money to do the things we want to do, to buy what we want to buy and to live a comfortable life. Sure most Christian Entrepreneurs won’t admit it. They will wrap it in wanting to serve the poor and help out Africa. And I do believe there are those who are genuine in their statements.
For me, I want to be comfortable. I don’t want my wife to have to work 2 jobs to help make ends meet. I don’t want to drive a old Honda Odyseey with 122,000 miles on it. I want more.
I am afraid my life as an entrepreneur will be one of failure after failure after failure. A debt laden existence of never having that hit again where the money flows, the public wants your product or service and that I wind up living in a double wide trailer in Orlando, working shifts at Disney World while I still dabble in entrepreneurial endeavors.
I fear that I’ll never make it again. That it has passed me by and I blew it. I got too arrogant, not humble enough. That that my ability to create wealth has been hijacked and taken from me, never to return to place where it will be real again.
I fear flying coach, wearing clothing from Goodwill, shopping with coupons at Bi-Lo until Social Security runs out. I fear that I”ll never know what it’s like to have a winner in business and have God on my side.
That I”ll burn through business partnerships because the dream never materializes. That I”ll be known as the guy who is poison. Crazy and shouldn’t be listened to.
That my kids will love me but be ashamed. That my anger will never get into control and that it will sabotage me just when success is right around the corner.
I don’t trust my ability to sell with integrity. At least not in the way Jesus would see it. That I’ll always twist the words to get the deal and leave someone else to clean up the mess. That I’ll be that guy at High School reunions that people will whisper.. “He could have been someone.”
That my wife will support me until mine and hers dieing days. Only to have her live a life of unfulfilled expectations and dreams. That maybe I really should have gone to work for the really big company and been bored. At least I would have had some health care and a small retirement.
I fear that I’ll never know what God really had in mind in business and at the end it really is about serving in Africa. Or Russia or New York City.
I fear that making the mortgage and sweating it out will be a common occurrence in my life.
This is what I fear as an entrepreneur. And that this haunting in my heart will lead me down paths to chase the money and not the love. To follow the bank balance and not my love.
This is my fear as an entrepreneur. What’s yours?
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Great post! If we really are transparent with ourselves (and others), we are all a lot alike as business leaders. Lonely at the top! Trying to make it work somehow…better..than most folks. The truth is that we ALL are so blessed in this country! As Solomon summed up in Ecclesiastes 12:13 “Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep His commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.”
I’m an enterpreneur and the reasons I went into business is to be a blessing as I am blessed, end of story. I’d give it all away if I could and do alot.
Abraham was blessed and was made a blessing, anything other is simply greed. Let’s not get into greed, have an open hand so that more can flow into your hands, as it flows out again and again.
The biggest fear is that I will cease to have a blessing someone wants.
I know this first hand. I bought a sucessful business in 1990 only to close it in 2006, because i could not borrow enough to get me out of debt. Now i work for J.c. Penney in their shoe department, still selling shoes, but trying to repay bills we had to put on credit cards and mortgage of house to pay it off. Would I like to reown my own business. Yes ! But I would never again jepordise my financial well being nor my Wife’s wrath nor her disappointment in me. I also feel God put me here to learn new lesson’s about leadership, Trusting in Him and His will in my Life.
Wow, you nailed it and I appreciate your honesty. I know you love the Lord. I’ve read enough of your writings to know that. We all have these fears or some version of it if we’re completely honest. I’ve realized that I fear both success and failure. Success carries so much more responsibility and failure……is failure. I want to be a blessing as well and to be used of God and I believe that you do too. We’re all sinners, saved by God’s grace, but still sinners. You’re just a little more honest! Thank you for sharing.
Matt,
I really enjoyed your post. I also am an entrepreneur. I have made plenty of mistakes over the last 20 years of business, however the Lord has always carried me and my family through the trials of our lives and has taught us to be content in all things. I will admit that has been challenging but, I am reminded of the patriarch Job who stated; The LORD giveth and the LORD taketh away, Blessed be the name of the LORD. I will pray that you will comfort in HIS word, as I am continuing learning to do.
It sounds as if you’re standing in my shoes. This is exactly where I find myself as I write this.
A quote that I read years ago and often comes back to my memory says “Success is never certain but failure is never final.”
Just this morning I began reading John Maxwells’s “Failing Forward” which as I read says that failure is a part of success. Success is a journey, it’s a process that is worked at day by day. Realize that there is a difference between average people and acheiving people.
I’ve only read two chapters and this is what he says:
People think failure is avoidable – it’s not. We are imperfect people.
People think failure is an event – it’s not. Failure is a process.
People think failure is an objective – it’s not. Setbacks are not seen as failures.
People think failure is the enemy – it’s not. Mistakes are what we learn from.
People think failure is irreversible – it’s not. People who correctly see failure take it in stride.
People think failure is a stigma – it’s not. Mistakes are not permanent markers.
People think failure is final – it’s not. The appearance of failure does not need to keep you from acheiving.
In the midst of the challenge of failure is the need to remain positive, looking toward the calling that He has for us. Keeping our eye on the hope that is ahead of us is where we can lean on the Lord and our brothers and sisters to get us through.We must keep looking up.
Wow! You all are posting some insightful comments. Thank you all. Your advice, encouragement, and mutual honesty are refreshing. This is a true “Bo’s Cafe” where we can be honest with each other, let out the “garbage”, and still be accepted. Thank you from both of us for allowing us to share our journey with you, and for sharing your journey with us!
I was moved by this blog post and blessed to read all the comments posted here. For a long time I struggled with the very concept of a Christian in business, thinking it must be a cardinal sin to be lead by these desires that make me want to create something – anything – as long as it wasn’t there before. Thankfully I’ve was delivered from this mindset but still have to contend with a deep fear that I will never achieve anything.
I note the blog comment that we are often afraid of both success and failure. Me too. But fear of failure rears it head even more as it seems more sinister to visualise facing God’s call home with the awareness that I did nothing to even show I was here. That bothers me more than anything and is what spurs me into this action to want to do everything and so much. What gives me the title of entrepreneur. Yes, I hate having to struggle but I also see these experiences as positive ones that have taught me to be resourceful – just that I don’t like having to live like that continually, but when I have had to I have still enjoyed or appreciated life, the lessons and the skills gained as a result.
I just want to end by saying that this site, and all my fellow Christians in business, is a blessing to my heart. Just think: I don’t know you personally but you are all a blessing just the same, all the way here in the UK, a product of our Father’s amazing power and love to have lead me to a place where REAL Christianity and business meet without destroying or contradicting each other.
Denise and others, I am very humbled by your comments and posts. The longer I live and the more I walk out this life of grace, the more I realize that my plans and my desires are real. But the fathers answering of those plans and desires is completely different than what I imagined.
Each day, as I realize “Father knows best” it makes it easier to accept the switchbacks on the road of life. I find more and more He answers my prayers in ways that I never imagined or could ever expect.
Thank you for the kind words.
In love, Matt
John, I hear ya. I can deal with the financial failure and losing all my earth funds. (I’ve just recently come out of a horrid financial collapse which took everything away.) But dealing with the pain of watching my wife suffer is the hardest.
However, in that pain of watching my wife go to a place of complete uncertainty, God showed me that he was dealing with Sarah on her own issues of security, relationship and trust.
I am not suggesting that your wife is being un-supportive at all. Believe me at times, I thought my wife and world was against me living my desire and my dream. There were others who came to me that I should swallow my pride and go get a job at Starbucks or Bank of America.
In the end, as my wife and walked this out together, my fear of my wifes lack of happiness disappeared. While she and I still don’t see eye to eye on things of business and consistent paychecks, we do see eye to eye on understanding that Father knows best, and trust in him to work out his plans in a loving way in each of us.
I had to come to a place that I am not my wife’s provider or keeper. It is not my job to keep her happy with a paycheck every two weeks. Instead, it is my role to love her well in the process she is in and her to do the same with me.
It has freed us from the conversation of planning and money and security. Turning us to enjoying the journey we are on and what is doing in each of us.
I’m nearly speechless. I must admit the Easter post was what captured my attention (I am a former minister and the fact that I agree with everything you wrote is why I am still “former.”) But the Christian Business aspect is all new to me. And moreover, I am stunned at the kinship I feel with most of you after reading your comments. There is still some naïve part of my brain that is still seeking that abundant life which is NOT figurative or allegorical. May God help us all.