Gonna Try And Love Again
April 20, 2011 by Matthew Gillogly
Hey, it’s been a while, Bob and I have been going through some stuff. This post is raw, and if you are offended by swearing or the thought of being angry at God scares you, do not read this post. Okay, you’ve been warned….
I will admit, the past few months have flat out sucked. It seems everything I do is a push up the hill.
You might be thinking with all my struggles that I missed God’s voice. That I’m going against his wishes. Thus the hardness of the struggle.
Here’s the funny thing, in the struggle I know it’s the direction he wants me pointed.
At the first part of the struggle my heart was filled with joy and hope. That quickly turned to sorrow, pain, misery, self-doubt and distrust of God. I pushed him away. I have felt like he’s led me down a path that is a retread of past struggles.
Why God do you take me down the seemingly same paths? Have I not learned these lessons already?
Then off in the distance I hear a voice. Do I see a man in the distance? Beckoning me to come closer? To keep going down the worn path?
I continue down this path and it comes to a bend in the path. The path before me continues up the hill, it is rocky but well worn. It looks like the way. But off to the left, I see the remnants of a path. It seems to go into a thicket with poison ivy and scrub.
I stand for what seems like a long time. Others pass by me on the path taking the rocky road up the hill, asking if I’m okay and encouraging me to continue on the way.
But there I stand. Listening…
Then I hear that call again. It comes from the unlikely path. I look around, no one else is there, it is just me and I hear the voice again.
“Come down the road less traveled.”
Others pass by.
The voice comes again.
I take the first steps, afraid of what will happen to me with the poison ivy, the brush and the thicket.
I move forward.
The path is hard to see and follow. Every few feet, I have to stop and listen for the voice. At times it seems like an eternity before the voice calls out and shows me the way. If only for a few feet.
Then I stop again… Each time listening for the voice. Sometimes seeing the man, waving me along the way.
When I stop and rest for the night, it seems like it’s the place to be. Then again up in the morning to go again.
Surely this path will lead to paradise, but it seems to lead me no where. At times I get angry at the voice and the man.
“Why doesn’t he just show me the way? Why do I have to keep struggling day after day, night after night. Just when things seem to get better, they seem to get worse. Am I hearing him correctly? Did I miss a turn in the ‘path’?”
My heart grows cold, cynical. I tempt myself by saying “There is no voice”. At times, I’ll go off the unmarked path only to find myself lost, or worse yet, on the rocky road up the hill.
I try the rocky road for a while. At first there seems to be success, but it is tiring. Then the voice whispers again.. ‘come this way’. A new hidden path shows up and off I go again.
This happens time and time again and it never seems to get better.
I feel like I’m in the movie ‘Groundhog Day’, where the same thing plays over and over again and again.
Now my family is with me… they get frustrated with me. Am I hearing the voice correctly? Maybe, I should just get off the ‘path’.
Isn’t there a better path with benefits just over the other hill?
I still my heart and the voice says one simple word to me… “love”.
Along the path, others appear from nowhere. Some are cynical, others are dejected and beaten. Most just look at you, nod and join you on the path. We all hear the voice. We have those who love us who tell us we are crazy, but we stay on the journey.
When night comes and there is no food, no water, no shelter and no fire, we huddle together. Some laughing, some cursing… yet we all laugh and chuckle.
The journey continues. Some fall out, but most stay. Some are called off a path in a different direction and they go off to success, while the rest of us seem to struggle. Envy sets in.. our condition seems to get worse, but the voice is still there calling us forward.
Is this the life? What about our hopes, dreams and the deep faith. Surely God will reward us for our undying faith. Surely we won’t struggle forever in this condition. Certainly there will be a simple house, with a warm fire and food in the cupboard.
But the journey never seems to end, the voice never stops calling us forward and the conditions never seem to get better.
This is the life for many Christian Entrepreneurs.
You reach a point after 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, where you realize your dreams may never come true. Your hopes and dreams may be on the garbage heap of life. And you are not cool with that thought.
Your heart gets hard, you curse God. You tell him to fuck off and go to hell. Vearing off the path, only to come back to the path and group more humbled, more in love and laughing at your situation more and more.
This is the journey folks.
I don’t know if your entrepreneur journey will be better or worse. I just know it’s a journey and that the money in your bank account, the kind of car you drive doesn’t mean you didn’t hear God.
Maybe the path you are on is for the next generation. Maybe it’s for your children, for the lessons they’ll learn from watching you.
Maybe it’s for nobody but you and your relationship with God.
That after years of hurt, pain, suffering, misguided steps, that you will try and love again.